cub99str's Blog

Ten First Date Fears


Think you're nervous? You don't know the half of it. On a first date, I'm a regular anxiety-fest. Second-guessing everything I say, trying not to fidget, and working on overdrive to figure you out. And, of course, after our first date, I'm going back to my friends to dish over every detail, especially if I really like you. What am I so worried about? More importantly, what can you do about it? Here's a peek at my first date fears and hang-ups and what you can do to put me at ease. 1) Is this a date? I often find myself in the following situation: I'm sitting across from a guy, having a great time, enjoying the company. Everything is going well. Except, I can't stop wondering whether he thinks I'm a potential girlfriend or just a girl friend. Now that we've graduated from playschool (ahem, college), having friends of the opposite sex is par for the course. But as great as it is to have a buddy to obsess over UFC with, the gray area between platonic and romantic can make things awfully perplexing, too. If you're into me, you've got to come clean about it. Start by employing the magic word. No, not "please." I'm talking about "date." As in, "I'd love to take you out on a date some time." Telling me that we should "hang," "grab a drink," or "meet for lunch" is not always going to get your romantic intentions across. This goes double if we've been long-time friends, co-workers, neighbors, or colleagues. 2) Does he like what he sees? Maybe you've already seen a picture of me. Maybe we met briefly at a party or in a dark bar. But chances are, I'm still going to be wondering whether you like what you see. Telling me straight off the bat that I look great starts things off on the right foot. Plus, I can stop worrying about the cow-lick I spent an hour trying to flatten, and that frees up my mind to focus on getting to know you. 3) Why won't he look me in the eyes? Are you nervous? Strung out? Bored? Hypnotized by my breasts? Regardless, when a guy won't look at me straight on, I feel like my eyes are emitting death-rays. A cool superpower, but not exactly what I had in mind when I was putting on the mascara. Be aware of your body-language, too. I've been out so many times with men who sit back, totally aloof, while I smile and nod and try my best to carry on a conversation with someone who might as well be a rock (and not the cuddly "pet" kind, either). Even if you're verbally responsive and asking all the right questions, I'm going to feel awful if you aren't making eye contact and your body language is screaming "Not Interested!" By all means, if you really aren't interested, after this first date, do not ask me out on a second date. Throw away my phone number. Chances are, if we aren't clicking, I won't be calling you, either. But I am working hard to be nice. I expect the same from you. 4) Why did he pick this place? I once went out with a man who informed me that he takes girls he's only marginally interested in to Dippin' Dots (no, we were not consuming the "Ice Cream of the Future" at the time). Not exactly the best thing to admit to on a first date, but the guy (now history) got me thinking harder about all the places I'd been to on dates. These days, I usually ask the guy to choose the locale of our first date, because it gives me a little insight into what he likes and how well he's got me pegged, so choose wisely. And honestly, if you're taking me to Dippin' Dots, you've made it loud and clear that you're just cruising for a one-night stand. 5) How does he go about ordering dinner? Are you ordering for me? Are we sharing several dishes? Are you ordering a bottle of wine with the meal? Are you saving room for dessert? Are you vegan? Vegetarian? Kosher? How much do you spend on food? How much food do you eat? Do you want to stuff me in a blueberry pie and eat me (i.e. are you totally psychotic)? Since we Homo sapiens tend to eat several times a day, what and how you eat is a significant indicator of our compatibility. If I'm an omnivore and you are a raw vegan who only eats food he has personally foraged, it is just not going to work out. Asking about my food preferences before you plan our first date does so much to minimize surprises. Starting out with just coffee or a drink is a great way to avoid culinary snafus as well. 6) Is that a major wardrobe malfunction or a fashion statement? I once went out on a first date with a man who showed up with his shirt on inside-out. No big. Kinda cute, actually. Except his shirt was inside-out on our second date, too. After this occurred a third time, I finally asked him (completely sincerely) whether this was a fashion statement (after all, I kid you not, he did work in fashion). "Oh!" He exclaimed. "You're right. It is inside-out!" Yes. Men have had major wardrobe malfunctions on first (and second and third) dates with me, and it is just about the most distracting thing on this planet. I've spent many an evening wondering how you've managed to go all day with that tag stuck on your pants, your buttons not aligned, and mismatched socks. Unless your date is a super-jerk, a little wardrobe malfunction is not going to make or break you. It might even be endearing in a Nutty Professor kind of way. That being said, I would not recommend skipping the fly check before you go out. 7) Is he for real? More important than what you say is the meta-data I'm filtering while we're out. For example, do your stories feel like they're way too practiced, i.e. like they've been told too many times to too many women? Are you disclosing too much too soon? Are you excited about me? Are you a good listener? I'm looking for signs that the person you are projecting is The Real You. Don't insult my intelligence. If you're giving me the song-and-dance, I'm going to totally be on to you. 8) Should we do the check dance now? Do you have any idea how much thought and deliberation I've put into my half of the check dance? When I was younger, I always insisted on splitting the bill 50/50. I was told enough times that this practice of mine is emasculating, and I switched to sitting there coyly while the man reached for his wallet. But some dates clearly took this as a sign of snooty entitlement. Thus, the check dance. I hate the check dance. The whole show is really for your benefit. What can you do about it? Easy. On your way back from the head, settle the check discretely. Then, when I suggest that we get the bill, you can just say, all suave-like, "It's already taken care of." Wow. That is so hot. 9) So, is this date over? Okay, so sometimes I get really, really horny. I admit, sometimes I even want to take you home on the first date, but I'm really embarrassed to ask. I'd feel so much better if you made it sound like it was all your idea. I know, pretty silly of me, right? I have to admit, the same part of me that will never disclose how many men I've really slept with also doesn't want to be the one asking you upstairs. Do us both a favor and give me an opening I can work with. 10) Does he really want to see me again? At the end of a date, I want to be clued in. Is this goodbye or see you later? If you don't think we're a good fit, you don't have to be rude about it, but don't go making promises to call me, either. I really hate it when a guy gives me all the signals that he's interested, only to never be heard from again. On the other hand, if you're really excited about me, just tell me. No matter what your guy friends tell you, acting all nonchalant at the end of a date is not going to help you. What's the worst that could happen? She could say flat-out that she's not that into you. Better that than risking getting your signals crossed because you played it so cool that you came of icy.

Tips for meeting women on the Internet


There are many venues to meet women on the internet – from dating sites, discussion forums, common-interest groups and the list goes on. The experience can be pleasant or turn into a nightmare. A lot depends on your approach. I've suggested to the males I know, not to think of a specific result, but think in terms of getting to know different women, casually and as friends first. You can't go in expecting a wife in five days. Take time to get to know people for who they are and you might find what you are seeking. Some tips: 1. If the person doesn't have a picture posted, don't ask for one too soon. This implies that your focus is only the physical. You are entitled to a picture, but asking for it first thing is a turn-off for many women. They want to be seen for the person they are. Get to know them a little by exchanging a couple of emails and then politely ask if they have a picture. 2. Don't give out your phone number in the first message. It makes you look desperate. Wait until there is a comfort level on both sides. 3. Don't lie about your age. What if you meet someone in person, really like them and both parties want to continue into a relationship? The truth of your age will eventually come out and you'll be seen as a liar. What else have you lied about will be questioned. 4. Don't lie about your marital status. If you are separated, say so. Separated is not the same as being divorced. 5. Be confident in who you are, what you have to offer in your profile or description of yourself, but don't embellish to the point you can't live up to your own words. 6. Don't set your criteria so high that a woman being 1" too short will be cast away. She might just be your dream woman, but how will you know if that inch separates you from finding out? Does 10 extra pounds bother you THAT much? Maybe she's not the problem. 7. Have something to say. You won't get to know someone if your messages are no more than three words. 8. Show genuine interest. If you only talk about yourself and never probe into the person she is, her interests, her life, you'll come across as one-sided. She'll soon realize that you would probably be like this in a relationship. Be a good listener as well as a good conversationalist. 9. Be in tune to the pace the woman is setting in getting to know you. Be respectful to her pace and her feelings. Don't push too hard. 10. Be truthful about what you are seeking. If you only want a romp in the hay, don't pretend you have anything more to offer. 11. Don't give out too much personal information too soon. A woman will wonder if you do this with everyone. Not to mention, there are some crazy females out there as well as males. 12. Know your boundaries before you start looking and stick to them. Use common sense. Use your instincts. Don't allow hormones to make your decision for you. 13. Be truthful about yourself in all respects, so that getting to know someone else is based on that truth, not a lie. 14. Don't make fun of other women you are meeting, such as them being overweight, having a long nose or whatever. The person you're trying to impress may have a little weight on themselves and immediately see that they'll never live up to what they "perceive" to be your expectations. She may fit into your criteria very well, but the way you talk about other women may give another impression. She may lose interest because of fear of rejection.

Do you have sex appeal?


When you see someone that is very social and strangely seductive, maybe they are not that good looking, but they have something that makes you feel attracted and jealous of them. Yeah, that's sex appeal. Want some?Read on! Care for and love your looks. It is good to look quite nice, it can really make you feel better about yourself. Try to try something new, like a new haircut or new wardrobe. Do something new on your looks, but you have to feel beautiful and find yourself pretty. Don't be afraid to approach people. Being shy won't help you, it will hurt you. If you want to meet new people, it's easy when you make the first move. Go up to them and have a talk, but be enthusiastic and real, and please, wipe off all your awkwardness and insecurities, and express yourself freely. Have a sense of style. It is important to know what is hot and what's not. Remember, fashion is about wearing only what flatters you, since then you will feel comfortable and act more naturally. Connect with people. Look at strangers and make eye contact with them and smile easily. Greet them. It will give you more confidence, besides, doing it is a way of connection that will make it easier to get to meet people. Be sure of your qualities. Being confident in yourself, not only in your looks, but also in your own person, is always important. When you like yourself and you are sure that your qualities are cool, then you will be able to let them be noticed and don't hide them. Tell yourself that you're beautiful and think of why people should like you for you. Always have a good sense of humor. Don't take things too seriously, try to smile easily and laugh more often. Even if you don't feel your best, try to think of positive things more often. Pretty is as pretty does. Be the person you believe yourself to be on the inside. Attractiveness is not just about physical qualities. Charisma and magnetism and confidence are far more attractive than a stereotypically *beautiful* person with a nasty attitude. Work your eyes. You can flirt just by looking at a guy or a girl with eye contact. Playfully batter your lashes, stay wide-eyed and when he or she says something that should generate a reaction or response, simply open your eyes even wider. This is giving the message "I am interested and listening. You fascinate me". (Although, don't open your eyes too wide, it could make you look fake and scare them off or it will make it look like if she did something and you're looking at her like "IT'S HER!"